Day 9 - Surrender Saturday

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Surrender to expectation

The conscious conception of sweet Mila Solei was no small feat but a giant triumph.  My husband and I began our journey to conceive in 2013. This journey was the beginning of many hardships and a lot of tears.  Throughout this journey I had a total of five miscarriages. It was evident there was something deeper. Through these losses I began some testing.  I was having many physical signs that things were off in my body. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto and showing the early onset of Lupus. As this was shocking news, I was determined to heal.  I did practically everything under the sun. Eastern and western healing modalities with little progress or answers. Eventually I found the right path and practitioner and began a regenerative detox journey.  After just 14 short weeks, my bloodwork came back clean. Showing no signs of autoimmune at all. My doctor was puzzled and resistant to my ability to heal what was medically considered ‘non-curable’. Although my bloodwork was clear, I knew I  had more work to do. I spent nearly 2 years in deep detoxification. My husband joined me on this journey. Not only to support me, but also to heal our bodies to prevent passing down any weaknesses. We learned so much about the importance of creating a healthy egg and healthy sperm. We quickly became committed to consciously conceiving a healthy, wanted and loved child.  This journey was difficult to say the least. It took every ounce of energy, commitment, focus and determination to get through the healing and regenerative detox protocol. As I detoxed my physical body, I quickly learned that I was also detoxing my emotional body. I am eternally grateful for this journey as I was able to truly heal on a physical and emotional level. I was able to create space in my mind, body and womb for a sweet baby to grow.  

In November of 2017 we found out we were pregnant. We were delighted of course.  Our delight turned into sorrow and fear in January. I received a call telling me that our test results came back abnormal.  We were told that our baby had a condition called triploidy and that 100% of these babies die intra-fetally or at birth. We were encouraged to terminate to save my body and heart from the trauma of carrying to term and watching her pass.  I practically fell to the floor when I heard this news. I was gasping for air in between bellowing cries. After I was able to process the information; we decided to proceed. There was a significant margin of error on this test that gave us hope.  I felt with every bone in my body that she was would arrive. Shortly after receiving this information we were informed that it could also be something called trisomy x and this condition has shown little to no effect on women at all. It was also possible that there was nothing wrong at all…

We continued the pregnancy in silence, feeling like a nervous wreck much of the time. All of the unknowns were so difficult.  I learned the beauty of surrender on this journey. The beauty of having no control and blindly following intuition. Stepping into the unknown and trusting that all would work out exactly as it was meant to in the end.  At 18 weeks we did an amniocentesis where they performed a fish test. This was simply to tell us whether she had triploidy or not. We were delighted when we were told she in fact did not have this terminal condition! We were asked if we wanted to spin out her skin cells and perform a test that would tell us had trisomy x. Together we decided that our daughter is perfect and whole just as she is.  We were bringing her in regardless. She is who she is and I am honored to be her vessel.

Mila Solei was born on 7-25-18 at 9:24am. She was 6lbs 8 oz of pure radiant beauty.  Her birth was yet another lesson of surrender. I anticipated, prepared and hoped for a completely natural birth.  Despite my preparation and desire, Mila was born via c-section. I listened to the cues Mila was sending, I felt so connected with her.  I asked her to give me a sign if she was not supposed to come out vaginally. She did just that! When I went in for induction, she had climbed even higher.  She was stationed at a -4 and my cervix was tucked behind her head. My doctor, midwife and doula were all in agreement that Mila needed to get out and not the way we had planned.  I spent time shedding my tears and grieving the desire for a natural and vaginal birth. I let my husband hold me as I embraced the sorrow I was experiencing. I tuned in to Mila and suddenly felt calm.  I knew this is what she needed. The surgery was a success and Mila was on my chest within minutes. She greeted me with her big brave blue eyes. Never have I experienced so much relief than in that moment.  To see her face, touch her soft skin, feel her love and this unspeakable bond we shared.

To my surprise, she was quickly swept away due to fluid in her lungs.  We were later told this is pretty common for c-section, it was just so unexpected.  She was whisked off into the NICU while I was in recovery from surgery. My heart ached so deeply when I couldn't be with her.  I was finally able to be with her later that evening. She was hooked up to a feeding tube, oxygen mask, heart monitors and an IV.  It was heart wrenching to see her tiny little body experiencing such an intense arrival. Despite everything she was experiencing, she was such a beautiful and content baby.  The moment I was wheeled in and said “Mila, Momma’s here” she turned her head and looked for me. All the fear, trauma, sadness and stress just melted away. The moment I saw her I knew she was divine perfection.  She was here for a purpose. Something big, something we cannot even comprehend. Yes she chose me as her mama, she chose me maybe because she knew I would love and hold space for her just as she is; or maybe because  I would be open to her teachings. Surrender, love, light, trust, intuition, and acceptance. These are the lessons of sweet Mila Solei. She continues to warm our hearts and everyone she meets. She is happy, healthy, smart, and clearly a thriving baby.  I can feel the power and deep content nature that she holds. We are deeply bonded and blessed parents. I am eternally grateful to be her mama.

I share this story with the intention help women around the world love on themselves. To help them heal old wounds and shift the mindset that surrounds the terrible word “infertility”.  To change the judgement we put upon ourselves when we experience a loss. To take the shame out of having a baby with some ‘abnormality’. Most of all to offer a voice for women to share their story.  We don’t need to suffer in silence or keep our pregnancies quiet until we are in the ‘safe zone’. If a woman is pregnant, she should be able to share that if she desires and if she loses that pregnancy, she should definitely be able to voice her sorrow and seek love. Secrets become poison in our bodies.  This is why I share my story. To free the pain, to allow it to transform and become something beautiful.  I genuinely hope that my story can encourage women attempting conception to trust the process and listen to the cues being given by the body.  Sometimes we are able to heal what may be causing our struggle with conception. Although this is not always the case; I truly believe all women that have struggled with conception have the right to grieve, feel broken, scream, and cry until their heart's content.  No one can truly understand the exact emotions a woman holds with the inability to conceive or a loss, no matter when the loss. With each loss I experienced more profound growth than I could ever have imagined.  I learned patience, trust, determination, commitment, surrender, love, acceptance, non-attachment and contentment. It was a long, emotional road but I am stronger, wiser, more loving and a better healer. My sweet Mila has helped change me. She has taught me surrender over and over since day one. Let go of expectation, let go of the idea you have control, except what is and you will be free from suffering!  I hope her story can help heal many others. Free your mind, speak your truth, love yourself, release expectation!